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I wished I didn't care.... PanicEnd Message Board
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487 posts markr 487 posts
markr
Hi all,

It's been a long time since I posted, around a year now. I'm struggling at the moment and have been for the past 3 weeks or so.

I seem to be in the same spot once or twice a year, judging by my old posts.

I see members on here saying that they truly don't care if their anxious feelings came back. I wished this was the case for me because I do care. Maybe I care too much. This has been the hardest time for me for a year, and I'm really caught up in it. I feel sad, inward, awful and exhausted.

I know I'm not accepting whilst I'm sat here crying.

For the most part I feel awful. I have breaks in the day or days when things seem to lift and I'm a bit brighter but I don't handle the 'downs' well. 

These times always end for me, that's a fact but when I'm in them they feel like forever. 

I'm sorry for the negative content and rant. 

Mark.
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Jonmike 659 posts
Jonmike
I think everyone cares about how they feel, if they didn't then they would be a robot! I think when they say they don't care, for me anyway, it's more of a "I don't care" message to my brain.....
So acting normally and carrying on will make it lift a lot quicker, this happens to me too, round about the same amount of times too funnily enough.... you just gotta let it all happen, you know the deal, leave the battlefield and watch the war instead of fighting on it.... you will be fine, it will come to a close but end your suffering earlier and let it happen my friend 
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adarroch 108 posts
adarroch
I agree with Jon. Rather than not care I'd say not care enough to let it stop you do anything in life. For example "oh no I can't possibly do that until my anxiety ceases, this anxiety has to go away" = caring "well anxiety is just a feeling that can't hurt me, I will do as I pleased with or without it" = not caring. Albeit of course we'd rather not have it and do care. Another example would be to just ignore how you are feeling the best you can and by letting it all happen, ignore the what ifs and don't follow the storyline let anxiety do as it pleases and you will learn it can't hurt you. Let it all be there and you're brain will be tricked into believing you don't care. Hope I'm making sense. At the moment you are battling your anxiety by saying "I wish I didn't care" and could be seen as you trying to control/stop anxiety. The less you think about and get involved with anxiety the easier it will be to think of normal everyday things. Imagine you went on a road trip with a nagging child screaming for some candy the moment you left the house, the more you shout back and get involved the more frustrated and louder the child becomes, he/she has your attention and so the child will keep challenging you, you may say NO 100 times but it will always come back to "why not?" eventually you get the candy for a peaceful life, and so the child wins and has a strategy for candy, the child remembers this and so does it every time. Now Imagine you ignored that child, eventually the child will just give up and not become so frustrated as you only had to say NO once and didn't battle with him/her. Eventually the child learns "if mummy/daddy says no then it's means no and if I scream and shout I'm wasting my time because they don't care" it takes time to educate a child and a fair bit of short term suffering because the child hates being ignored and gets frustrated. But if all you ever did was respond each and every time, it will happen a lot more often and for the foreseeable as the child's strategy is effective. By ignoring the child you get to focus on the scenery instead (you missed it all last time) and have walked away from the battle. After a long time the child has accepted no means no but only because you accepted you have a demanding child that you can't shut up easily, and child that doesn't respond rationally to your original 'no' or 100 nos after. Imagine on the second road trip you tested that child to see how he/she would react if you said "you're not getting candy today" the moment you leave the house. Oh no, you've set him/her off when you didn't need to, you wanted to control the child's reaction but it backfired. Also you have to take the child on all road trips, you think "he/she always screams for candy so I'm not going on a 3rd road trip today". The child becomes bored in the house and so plays up all day, but if you took him/her out and ignored him/her perhaps the child was more interested in the scenery because you are too, and so didn't think about candy so much and was better behaved. Last time and the time before you both missed the lovely scenery as the battle started when you left left house. Had you stayed home you will only ever remember how terrible the last 2 road trips were and so never take the child out, you would just battle a bored child all day that would have been well behaved had you just gone for that 3rd road trip and ignored him/her. Yes the child may play up again on the 3rd road trip, but all along that would have been the best way to teach the child what no means & the road trip was far more interesting than being locked inside where he/she really plays up, you ignored the child and didn't do the candy test upon departure. Of course we would prefer a quite child and of course we care about our child, children are irrational and can easily be tricked into thinking you don't care, it just took time and a lot of short term grief to get that quiet child that loves you no matter what, you both love road trips and no longer have a bored child :-)
Alex Darroch
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markr 487 posts
markr
Thanks for the replies both.

Sorry, it was a frustrated rant yesterday. You know how it is when you've just had the niggly ups and downs for a year then bang you get everything in full whack!!

I know the score really. Live alongside the shitbag until it fades. 😂
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